Tuesday, January 27, 2009

still looking...

I read these blogs almost daily.
I pretend each one is a window to that friend's house.

The curtains are pulled back.
The shades are up.
For a few moments I can see inside their homes.

I see a lot of cute, precious moments. (thankfully not the figurines, I hate those things)
A lot of sweet happenings.
Beautiful and funny. "Awe...isn't that cute?"
Happy, sweet, precious.

I love looking in every day.

Sometimes I can identify. Sometimes I can play along because I know all the parts. I know when to smile. I know when to laugh. I know what comes next. Sometimes it is all familiar.

Then sometimes...it isn't.

Sometimes those windows seem to belong to families in far away lands. The language is foreign. The moments are distant. The setting is unfamiliar.

Just once, I'd like to see something that I can relate to.

A home where the children are just as beautiful, but are scarred.

A glimpse of what being born to a mother addicted to drugs can do to a child, even 8 years down the road.

A mother who stays up at night crying because she try as she may, she just can't *fix* her child.

A kid who works and works and works and rarely sees the effort pay off.

A mom who can help other people's kids with Autism achieve and perform more than anyone thought possible - but can't help her own kid read without tears and hearing him ask, "Why can't I do it Mama?"

A house where common words whispered late at night aren't "precious" or "amazing" or "brilliant" but are "dyslexia" or "neurological" or "WHY?????"

A kid who wants more than anything to be invited to somebody's...ANYBODY'S house. But the phone call never comes.

A boy who DREAMS of being a soldier or flying airplanes, but because his brain is wired differently he will never be given the chance to do either.

Kids who hear "You can do anything you set your mind to" but who LIVE with the daily reality of "No...I can't."

Lack of control.
Shift of focus.
TRUE appreciation.
Parents who question.
And wait and wait for answers.
And love them unconditionally, nonetheless.
And are still WAITING. Hoping. Praying. Begging. Pleading. WORRYING. Waiting.

Wondering...
If somewhere out there
There is somebody like them.

I haven't seen the t-shirts
Or the bumper stickers
Or the blogs

That remind me of my life.

So in case you run across one.

Just let me know.
Because sometimes...it would give comfort.
Just to know...

That somewhere.

In one of those houses.

Is a family like mine.

16 comments:

Kristin F. said...

I get so excited when I see that you've posted, you have a wonderful way with words.
None of us are perfect. Thanks for reminding me that the perfect moments aren't always the most important ones.

DaNella Auten said...

I do know your feelings... Mine is more being able to see my precious son and love him, and have to hear him talk about bullies that pick on him at school. He often comes home and crys. He is smart, in 7th grade, and reads on a 9th grade level, but just can't quiet get the social thing. Remember the kid in class who always gets picked on? That was me. Unfortunately that is him. But I love him and I keep trying.
GHAP God Has A Plan

Sue said...

I wish I could make every thing good for you (and Keith) right now but I can't. As I read this and cried, all I could do was say, "I trust You, God!" I do...I have to know that He loves Keith more than you and Shawn (and us). His plans and timing are not always ours. We are not going to give up. You are a wonderful mother!!

Kayla said...

Remember all that time you spent praying for a baby. I'm sure you said, "God, just one baby, and I will be happy". He gave you three beautiful boys. He answered your prayers beyond what you could ever imagine! Hold fast, and keep praying. Like Mrs. Sue said, God's timing isn't always our timing. Someone once told me that often it seems that God moves slowly; that He refuses to accept the mad pace of our country, and it makes perfect sense. I will bring you one of my journal entries when I was teaching sunday school, and your boys were in my class. I have been praying and will keep praying!

April said...

Hi Amy~
I'm a blogging buddy of your mom's. She is such a sweet person and I've enjoyed getting to know her.

She posted about your son on her blog. I love the way you write...very heartfelt. It's easy to sense how much your treasure your son and how much you're hurting for him. I wish I had some words of wisdom that would make everything better. The only thing I know to share is one of my favorite sayings that I carry with me wherever I go..."Let go and let God." Simple, but, oh, so powerful! TRUST AND BELIEVE!!!

Nana said...

Love you :)

jeremynsonya64 said...

Amy, you know I know exactly how you feel. Maybe I should start blogging. Katie with the help of Mrs. Smartt is doing great this year, praise the lord! I don't even have to ask her to do homework for the first time in 3 years, she is excited to bring home her packet from the week before bc she has "good grades". She is treated differently because as the teachers say "she is not on their level yet". She has not only a hard time socializing because of her disability but struggles with her school work and has to be pulled to the side and the other kids see that. Her math teacher (LD teacher) said she may be one of the kids that will never get math but that's ok. IT breaks your heart knowing that your child struggles. And there isn't anything you do but work and work everyday, everyhour to help them achieve. I know far to well what it's like but I also know that you are a awesome person,teacher and mother if anyone can or will learn how to help another child it will be YOU! I am so thankful for all the help and support you have given me with Katie and these IEP's the language I have no idea what it means. LOL Keep your head up, and know that Keith is a god given gift to you and he does have a plan for you all, you may not know what it is right now but that's ok too.

pammiejo said...

I know a house like yours! I'm a grandmother to 3 adopted children out of foster care - adopted at the ages of 7, 3 months, and 4 months. The girls are sisters. Guess what - none of them are "normal". They wouldn't be if they were biological either because I'm not sure there are "normal" kids anywhere. I come from a career in Special Education - you need to hang in there - look for excellent teachers - and don't just "settle" for the quality of education your kids get! Be an advocate! The most important thing children need is unconditional love and with that they can succeed. Accept and support! You are not alone, believe me! Hang in there!

NanaNor's said...

Hi there, Just stopped by and read this touching post. I will tell you that my hubby has dyslexia and still doesn't read and that my oldest daughter, now an adult, had learning difficulties as well. We pulled her out of school in 7th grade and homeschooled through high school, her sister as well. I found the secret was to find their passion and provide reading materials around that. Hers was horses. Now that she is an adult she is a voracious reader. My youngest daughter's second child has many problems...you can read her story at www.joyfulnessineveryday.blogspot.com
Hang in there and live your little guy like there is no tomorrow. Praying for you and yours.
Noreen

Matt said...

This video is kinda similar:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2CaBR3z85c

(Ok, so it's really talking about abortion, BUT it still conveys the message)

Fields of Plenty said...

Your words are always so powerful and eye opening. God bless you, I just think you are wonderful! So many passions and so much love to give to those boys. I hope that one day I can be as inspiring to someone as you are to me. My girls are the most important things in my life and one day I hope that Bama and I can share that kind of love with a child who hasn't had a chance to experience such love in a family and God! I know we don't have the nicest things but we have a home with love and support and the Lord? I also feel like the blog is a window into people's lives and yours is one of my favorites, it's like opening a gift when you write! You pull out some of my feelings that I push aside because I think people will laugh at me or think I am crazy, when really I push them aside because I don't believe in myself enough. I always wonder why I got so hooked on this blog deal and I think I have realized that it is mostly for times like these when I need to be reminded that God has a greater plan, no matter how bad or good I think things may be! THANK YOU

Shelley said...

Amy...as I read this I just cried. This was my life as a child. I was the kid who never made A or AB honor roll. I was the kid who sat at my deck confused about what my teacher was talking about but to afraid to raise my hand and ask. The kid who could not spell and still can not to this day(and my mom still ask me why can you not spell). I was the kid who hated to read out loud in front of my class b/c I might sound stupid or get a word wrong. I was the kid that study, study and study some more that never made anything but a C. I had tutors and even repeated second grade. And it wasn't until my third grade school year my teacher dicovered I had dylsexia. I have always felt that I am stupid and lack self confidence b/c of this.
The older I got the easier things got for me to understand I had to find different ways to learn than everyone else. I never enjoyed reading until I was an adult. Seeing your child struggle is never easy, but I know the struggles he faces and I am praying for him and you.

MistyG said...

Amy, just wanted to let you know that I so enjoy reading your blogs. This one was difficult and unfortunately I have no words of wisdom that you haven't heard a million times. But I do want you to know that I love Keith to pieces! Right now he is, of course, the only one of your boys I've had the chance to really get to know and he has some amazing qualities that will take him far, dyslexia or no dyslexia. In the small window of time I spend with him each week I've learned that he is a self-advocate,a voracious questioner of life and things related, and when given a mission/assignment to complete attacks it with excitement and follows through! He gets frustrated but still aims high. Your boys could not ask for a better mother-I know you and your husband have taught them well. Hang in there!

lisa said...

I’m sure this isn’t what you are looking for, but Steven J. Cannel has a few videos on dyslexia that you might like to watch. He has one for parents in particular and Dyslexia in Childhood. I was incredibly lucky to hear him speak at a book signing. I don’t know if I would personally call him a hero, but he is defiantly an inspiration. I have met a few celebrities in my time, but none that I was more excited to meet. He was such a big influence on my childhood. I hope this helps.

http://www.cannell.com/dyslexia.php

Debi said...

Amy dear,
My heart is hurting for you and Keith! I wish I had a better answer than all of the others, but I have to agree, God does have a bigger plan for all of us... we just have to be patient and wait for the results. I read your blog once a week to catch up on how your days are going... AND can I say YOU ARE MY HERO!! dear, you have such a wonderful heart and soul, you and your husband both make me feel so blessed to know you! I have a sister that is "mentally handicapped." She is now grown (just a year younger than myself... 48) and she doesn't read much... she calls her sisters and mom asking us what does...
then she spells the words out to us... we try even long distance to help her to sound them out, or just let her know. She is such a blessing in our life! I spent many a day protecting her from the crewl world... we all did. I don't know what I would have done without her! She has had a very hard struggle with the "normal" life, but mom wouldn't let us treat her any different than any of the rest of us. And I think it did a wonder of good in her self esteem, and her own confidence to be treated the same as anyone else.
I don't know about you, but I hate it when someone singles out a child to make them feel like they are unable to do anything they put their mind to! I believe the good Lord has a special plan for special children, even though it is hard on those that love them to pieces! I give you my heart, and all of my prayers to help with the hurt! I pray that the Lord will give you the strenghth to help Keith, and give Keith the courage to face everyday. Give him a GREAT BIG HUG, and let him know the whole world loves him!!
I like everyone else love to read your thoughts the way you express them, I believe that Keith loves that about his momma too. And you will unlock the key to his knowledge, you know you have already unlocked his heart. Hang in there dear!
Love your friend,
Debi xo

Zaroga said...

You write beautifully.

I have a suggestion. Edit your profile. Under 'Interest' type in 'dyslexia' and save your profile. Now view your profile and click on the word 'dyslexia' and you will probably find other bloggers dealing with dyslexia... either having it themselves or their children.

Children with dyslexia are usually very intelligent.

When I feel so frustrated as you do I pray. I will pray for you and your son.